Friday, October 30, 2009

Just what I needed

A merry christmas it was tonight. It's been a while since I've done the diet thing, and I was honestly a little apprehensive about going out tonight. Knowing I was going to want to drink. Knowing I was going to be questioned. Knowing there were going to be some awkward moments. Knowing I was going to be mocked a bit. Knowing I was going to have moments of self-doubt. Knowing I wasn't going to have quite as much fun as I could. But knowing it was the right choice for me.

What I didn't know was that I was actually going to be reminded of how totally doable this can be, and better yet, get a nice little kick in the ass.

It was fine!!! And I had fun. I forgot how it really can be OK to go out with friends and NOT drink even if they are. And it's not always worth it. Yeah, a few beers would have been really relaxing and I would have been a bit looser and all that good stuff, but I wouldn't feel as good about my choices tomorrow morning as I will instead. The marginal benefits of a beer or two certainly would not have outweighed all of the cons. SO...No beers. No shitty apps. And I was able to go home, relax, do a little workout and I know I'll feel great in the morning and that I'm one small step closer to my goals, both mentally and physically.

It's not just about loosing. It's easy to have a short term excuse (i.e. I'm on a diet) to fall back on when making these choices. But what about maintainence? Or what about when I'm trying to put on muscle withouth packing on the pounds? I'm going to be faced with these choices all the time, and a big and very important goal of mine is to be able to SAY NO to those things that control me and still be able to have fun. So in the long term, I really need to gain this skill of balance, self control and making the better choice sometime, even if it isn't the most fun. Don't give up what you want most for what you want now, right?

Now for the kick in the ass. I know I should have more compassion... BUTTTTT, when you're sitting there drinking the booze and eating the shitty apps, which are probably even worse for you than the beers, you just can't lecture me about how my diet coke is bad for me while trying to lose weight. A) Forest through the trees anyone? B) I've researched the crappy studies, which are totally inconclusive imo. C) Do you really think the news reports accurately on nutritional studies anyways?

I know the hype is enticing and it feels good to spread the word about what your crappy overpriced trainer told you, but nooooo. Just no. You're really not helping yourself by focusing on stuff like that. So go and stress about avoiding your diet coke and consume lord knows what instead. I'm going to enjoy mine and savor the motivational kick in the ass you just gave me to not be another Bob.

Overall, a good night. Next step, not feeling guilty over a little planned fun tomorrow. That's going to be the real test. Balance.

Don't you see the resemblence?

Note: Imagine my sexy man voice when viewing this.

Looks like a successful Halloween to me!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

it's been.... 36 hrs?!?!?!

A day and a half into the diet and I'm already tempted to throw myself my regular pity-party. Man, I forgot how stinky this can be. So time for a little inspirational/motivational kick in my proverbial balls, a la mr. shugart.

Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house.

I forget sometimes that I just need to suck it up. Where I am isn't where I want to be. And change isn't easy or fun. I'm sick of having all this knowledge and not having the control to put it into use. I'm sick of being embarrassed to talk about training because of the extra bulge. I'm sick of being sick of this. I'm sick of yo-yoing. I'm sick of not liking myself and how it effects me. I'm sick of the self-doubt. I'm sick of feeling weak or guilty. I'm sick of the binging. I'm sick of the backtracking. I'm sick of having to slim down for summer- I want to be able to streak or skinny dip or put on some lingerie at the drop of a hat without second guessing how i'm going to look damnit. I'm sick of the wasted money. I'm sick of the wild cravings. I'm sick of the carb comas. I'm sick of feeling torn. I'm sick of knowing I can be so much better.

So merry fucking christmas to me. Time to suck it up princess. If I want it, I can have it. I just have to choose it.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Last Ring Ding

Well, for a month at least. Say goodbye to my favorite lover. That's right. The diet officially starts tomorrow. More info to come :) But I needed to add my tribute tonight. So goodbye sweet goodness.

My Path to Self Improvement?

Otherwise known as my long term to -do list. Like I said, I've been a bit introspective lately and have seen a lot of things in my life that I want to change. So here's that list. I'll probably update it as time goes on, maybe add things here and there, maybe prioritize some things and hopefully knock a chunk off. This is probably going to be a long one :)

Volunteer more- on a short term basis

Plan and take part in a voluntourism trip- looking at several in south america right now

Get back to church semi-regularly at least

Read more

Play my piano more- learn that song i love.

Meet more friends

Make a decision about grad school

Get back in touch with some old friends

Lose the fat - again- DAMNIT.

Get stronger- have a chance to do a significant strength program within the next year

Get greener- at least in small steps

Take the buns out more

Try some yoga

Cook more regularly

Join/do some sort of sports competition- maybe a powerlifting comp or a strongwoman or a tri or a team like maybe roller derby- even though those are all very different. just something competitive.

Not too big of a list, eh? So those are the things that have been on my mind lately. I'm sure you can see why I've been a bit overwhelmed about it. Mostly I want to focus on the physical (getting back into much better shape and feeling good about it) and the spiritual (getting back my sense of community through friends, church and volunteering.

Another blog is born.

So yet another blog is born into the internet world. Personally, I've never really been a fan of blogging, but lately I just seem to have so much on my mind and I want to put some if it out there. Mostly for me, somewhat for some accountability in the changes I want to make and somewhat so my friends can follow what's really up in my life lately.

So why now?

I hate to sound cliche, but I recently ended a major relationship in my life (~7 years together- 4.5, a break and then 2.5). At first, I didn't realize how much of an effect this was going to have on me, but as time has gone by, I've become more and more aware of all the things in my life I have been procrastinating. It's really easy not to change or progress when you have an all to convenient excuse (aka my boyfriend) to remain stagnant. And now that I'm alone, a lot of this stuff has become all to apparent to me. I'm ready for a change, and I'm making steps to do so.

What to expect with this blog.

First and foremost, probably a lot of rambling. I tend to write a lot at times and get very bloggy, so what better place to put it than a blog? One thing I'll definitely discuss will be my journey with diet/exercise. I've yo-yoed quite a bit in the past (particularly related to body issues and bf issues) and am again determined to get this bad habit under control. There will probably be some ex-ramblings, and hopefully some news about new love interests. No blog about me would be complete with talking about my crazy rabbits, so expect to get to know Clive and Dirk well. I'm also trying actively to improve a lot of things in my life, including more volunteering, meeting new people and trying new things, so there will be a lot of that. Feedback and suggestions are always welcome. Probably some up and some downs on here, and definitely some blogginess and sappiness.

Really, I just want a place to put some of these things out there for myself (the public accountability helps me a lot) and for the interest of others (if anyone is actually interested!!! lol). It's been a long road for me in my life, and I think sometimes I forget how far I've come and really don't give myself credit for that. I want this to be a place I can focus on a lot of the things I've been thinking about lately, and remind myself of the changes I do want to make so I'm no longer that stagnant person I had become.

So I guess it starts here.